what they do to you

There is no photo here-only angry.

I got an email today from our agency's St. Louis office. It cheerfully informed me that a new batch of Seeking Confirmation Letters had arrived and the recent speed of waiting child adoptions necessitated a new policy. Our homestudy addendum was needed in St. Louis so they'd have all paperwork before finalizing travel.

I panicked. We must have gotten our Seeking Confirmation Letter!! We asked Caseworker #1 on October 29 for the homestudy addendum, after confirming that we wanted to adopt Youyou. She told us she'd get it done right away.

But this email, arriving near the end of the school day, made it seem that the addendum was lost. I tried to find Shane, thinking, "What if they haven't even looked at our file and there it is and it stands in the way of us bringing our son home?!"

Somehow, we made it through that last class and then rushed home, making frantic phone calls. The first was to the home office for clarification--I left a message. Shane made the second one to our nonplussed Caseworker #1, who seemed unable to remember the addendum. The home office rep called me back to say she'd just heard from Caseworker #1, who HAD NEVER EVEN DONE OUR PAPERWORK!!!! The reason? The process from letter of intent (where we ask China for Youyou) to the Letter Seeking Confirmation (where China acknowledges our request) normally takes 4 to 6 months, so SHE THOUGHT SHE HAD MORE TIME.

I was calm. Dead calm, in fact. There's no Seeking Confirmation Letter waiting for us, it so happens--the email was just a friendly way of telling all the waiting child families that the agency wants to be sure we all have our papers in order, and we apparently were some of those who did not have all our paperwork completed.

A deep breath, and a pause.

If I'd known at the beginning that we would be yanked around like this at every turn, I would NEVER have begun the adoption process. I would have concluded that God did not intend for us to have children. Ever. The irony of it is that we were so prepared for difficulty from CHINA!!! It has instead been THE AGENCIES, from start to finish, which have been horrible. Horrible. There is one conclusion to be drawn from this.

ANY agency, no matter how it throws the name of Jesus around or Bible verses or phrases about "having a heart for children," is no more than a business whose market is prospective parents, many of whom are infertile. And that desperate wish to have children makes those infertile couples especially prime, worth at least $ 22,000 each.

I thank God that I did not see this tunnel and out of fear turn away, because I would not ever know this little boy who will be our son. But if anyone wants to ask my advice on adoption, now is not the time.