This Kid

I have to admit it, I've had a hard time posting. It's hard to know what to write or how to talk about the settling in of a daily rhythm when the events which led up to it were so incredible. Everything I carry now as I look at this little boy, from kissing his toes to knitting my first little boy hat to feeling his tiny hand pat my face as he murmurs, "I love my girl," seems like the treasures that are stored up in any mother's heart. They are no less precious, but they're a different thing from the journey that brought us here. It's probably entirely ungrateful of my heart, but I find myself reluctant to blubber Momminess everywhere, as though it would tarnish this incredible thing that has happened. I have a lot to learn, I think.

We still exist in this world where our son has a life that played out before we came along. There are photos in so many places of him, some even in distress in hospital, that I don't know of and will never see. I don't feel unsafe in that; instead, it reminds me that we are so blessed to be part of such a larger image of God's love for one small child.

Shane jokes that YoYo is Bono--but there is still that rock-star like feeling sometimes. I staffed a booth in October for Shaohannah's Hope at a Steven Curtis Chapman concert. When we approached the table at the beginning of the evening, my Mom poked me. "Hey, that's YoYo." Sure enough, he was the poster child on the tabletop "November is Adoption Awareness Month" display, clutching his pink dog and looking upwards with Precious Moments eyes. Mom, in the Most Proud Grandparent in the World mode, told every single person--and I mean that--who that little boy on the poster was. This kid! Who has that happen to them?

Then yesterday, we collected our mail and found a catalog from the adoption agency. As many negative things as we experienced with them, I still have to say in fairness that their sponsorship program for orphans with special needs helped give YoYo lifesaving medicine and daily supplies. We opened the catalog, which highlights sponsorship information for several countries...and found a full-length YoYo, his two-year-old hands clutching a Christmas ornament, his feet snuggled in footed pj's capped with panda faces. They weren't soliciting funds on his behalf, mind you, it just so happens that he's the most beautiful child in the world, and who else would make such a convincing case that all children are precious?

Of course he laughed at it. He has no idea that there's anything unusual about his photo being on random pieces of mail or news video links. Why wouldn't he see himself on TV or in other people's posters? It doesn't seem to be a fixation-he doesn't constantly ask to see pictures of himself-so perhaps I won't obsess over that for now.

But he is adorable. And yesterday, in the greatest of all gifts in the world, he proudly gave me his first hand-turkey at preschool. I am such a lucky girl.



P.S. That toothless grin? We had oral surgery the day before Halloween (tragic!), and it turns out he had a LOT of infected teeth. We're getting "new teeth" in a few days, but moments like this make me think twice-so cute!

Anniversary

This is difficult to put into words. One year and two days ago, our agency called at 11 am to say that we had been matched with Tian Yo if we still wished to adopt him. I collapsed to the floor in tears, staying there long after the call was ended, the receiver on the floor. I was undone.

The night before had been sleepless. By the time gray light streaked the wet sky, I was convinced we would have to say no if we were matched with this little one. In the two weeks since seeing his profile, our lives had changed. I filled four notebooks with everything I could find about Tian Yo's challenges, from exstophy to colostomy to single kidney to spina bifida. My silly penchant for endless research was finally validated. And there was no way we could do it, we concluded. Medical supplies, surgeries, more money than teachers can hope for. What were we thinking to even request this little boy? I prayed he would never know how we failed him, that he'd never know he was rejected because his body's betrayal had scared people. I tried to imagine when and how he might find parents, or if he would go unrequested so long he would finally be ineligible for adoption. What would he do? Where would he go?

And then the craziest thing happened. The phone rang at 9 am. It was Dr. John Gearhart, the pediatric urologist who operated on Tian Yo just months before we learned of him. T, Tian Yo's tireless advocate, had sent Dr. G. YoYo's story when the constant reflux of fluid into his kidney endangered his life. The Dr. replied that he would waive his fees to correct Tian Yo's condition if the foster home could raise the money for hospital stay and travel. They did it, and Dr. G. saved Tian Yo's life. Now this surgeon, perhaps the best in the world in his field, was calling me about this little boy. He said, "There is a reason Tian Yo was born with this, and there's a reason he came here, and you and your husband are part of that story." No naming of God, but indeed words of Shalom.

And then came the call. Yes we will bring him home, yes we will love him forever, yes we will...

I drove to school weeping to tell Shane, playing one song again and again. When I first heard U2's "When You Look at the World," I wept. For three years, I had not been able to hear it without crying. There was something in it of a love larger than I had, without sympathy, empathy, pity, and I could not imagine being able to know it. But now, this was changing, too.

When you look at the world
What is it that you see?
People find all kinds of things
That bring them to their knees...

...When there's all kinds of chaos
And everyone is walking lame
You don't even blink now do you
Don't even look away...

...I can't wait any longer
I can't wait til I'm stronger
I can't wait any longer
To see what you see
When you look at the world.

For years, I cried, wondering how someone could love freely enough to gaze steadily into the eyes of a broken human. Death, age, blood, disability, leprosy, maimed torn life that I could not fix, how could anyone not blink? What could it be to love like that?

It could be Tian Yo-Heaven Protect, Heaven Bless. Welcome home, little one. I love you.