4 is the magic number

Photos to come...my macbook crashed and the guys at the genius bar (no really, that's the name?) won't see me til 9 am Tuesday.  I am seriously compromised-I'm desperate enough to write this on hubby's macbook, the school one, which I prefer to call "The Hobo."

ANYWAY.

Monday-April 6! The little prince turned 4, and we were filled with joy, and I had no idea the emotional soup it would be (for me, in my head, trying to keep it all smooth and calm outside). 

YoYo woke up asking, "Am I 4?"  And it hit me (so so much harder than I imagined) that it is our first birthday with our first little one, and he is 4 and I've already missed so much, and I feel like a guest and not a parent (because we missed birthdays 1, 2, and 3), and I wonder about his birth-parents and what they are feeling.  

HOW is it that this way to family is so very unending with its happy/sad surprises?  YoYo knew just what I needed, a good 20 minutes of snuggle time before jumping into the day.  We had pancakes cut into 4's for breakfast, then some TV, and then lovely playing with the lovely toys the grandparents giddily stuffed our house with last week.  (PS-Grandparents, we know what you're doing.  Don't think we don't.)  Then off to school to pick up Shane for pizza lunch!  We ended up at the mall, thanks to the macbook-did I mention I HATE the mall?  

We played restaurant for dinner, and that was an absolute hit.  Our party party was last Saturday at the park.  Just YoYo, a very few friends his age, and the most glorious how-did-we-luck-out day weatherwise that has happened in the last three weeks.  Seriously-it's snowing outside as I type this.  Snowing.  April.  Tennessee. 

I'm relieved now.  This passage had so much potential for hardship-and I didn't have any idea it could until an idle conversation.  We've talked so much about turning 4, and he has been excited.  Then I talked to him about my cousin's upcoming wedding in DC, and the drive, and the hotel, and how fun it will be.  His response was a question.  "And then I can no go home to Mama and Baba again anymore? I will no see Baba ever?"  It took me a while to put it together.  Each birthday has been spent with different people-and each one has been followed by separation.  When he turned one, he was in Singapore, recovering from surgery.  He was doted on by a couple there, and he loved them.  A month after his birthday, he returned to Beijing.  Birthday number two came, and a couple of months later he traveled to the US for more surgery.  Months later, he returned to Beijing.  His third birthday was in Beijing, at BlueSky Healing Home, and it was packed with people who are part of YoYo's story-volunteer nurses, marathon runners, fundraisers, volunteer workers, teachers...all of them knew he'd be leaving soon for good and they came to say good-byes.  And less than a month later, we walked into BlueSky, and his first words to us were, "You will take me with you on a plane far away."  And he misses his sweet family from BlueSky.  He will talk about, "When I lived at HaiHe's house," or "When I was at QinQin's house," and sometimes the stories aren't even real, but his feelings are, and it's so hard to know that even though he is only 4 and may not remember much of this later, it is very real to him now, and it is grief and loss and separation, and it is profound, and no matter how much he loves his Mommy and Daddy, that love for him is mingled with the loss.  Our beginning as a family was the end of what he had already known and loved as family.

That this birthday came and went for him, without tears, with some rememberings, with much tenderness and laughter and play and singing and dancing, is a miracle.  And a gift.  I am so thankful for him every day, and I have no idea how it is that we are blessed enough to have him.  With hope for many more birthdays together.